Where there's a Willesden there's a way

Friday, May 07, 2004

Before I go out of my mind

I've been on holiday. Thank God for that.

I feel a little more like myself now, having joined Brother, Sister and Mr B on the good ship Crystal at Leighton Buzzard. We sailed at a leisurely pace up to Gayton Junction, and sailed slowly back to Leighton Buzzard again. Completely uneventful.

Well, we did have the occasional grounding, collision and hail storm. It poured down throughout the seven locks at Stoke Bruen. A Harold Shipman lookalike ran into us. And we crashed into a tree pretty much every time Sister took the helm. But it's the best week I had in ages, and I actually feel more like a human being and less like a human elastic band.

I now understand why people go on so much about holidays. I hadn't had one in three years, and I think people could tell. Work can be quite draining sometimes, and I think there's a lot to be said for taking a complete break, forgetting about all the rubbish in the world, cutting your engine, and sitting and feeding the ducks for a while. As a wise man once said, "Again! Again!"

Oo, Brother's started a picture blog. I'm the reserved, pensive looking one. With the grey jumper.

Before I go out of my mind

This posting could start a number of different ways. Here's a few:

"It was an emergency holiday. Either I took a holiday, or I lost it completely."

"Boats are surprisingly forgiving. As was the owner."

"A larger crowd began to form around the loch when Sister tumbled down the slope."

"I've been on holiday. Thank God for that."

Monday, May 03, 2004

I'm finding it a challenge to write at the minute. I'm all over the place, and certain themes are coming up far too much. They're things like:

I really feel like I want to throw out all the technology I own. I'm thinking of just buying one really good mobile phone, and either flogging or throwing out, well, everything. Like the laptop with the series of weird faults. And the piece of shit PDA I bought last year that's become the most expensive bookmark I own. One or both of them are just one error from being smashed with a club hammer in a cathartic and costly healthy emotional outburst.

Fact is, I'm not very good with technology. I just don't have the knack- although I'm damn fast at using and learning to use computers, that bit's fine, but then they start going wrong and I can't do a thing about it. Tech support seems to consist of "Is computer plugged in?", "Check exception #23443653a or "You need to buy a new one."

My trainers let in water, and a Thermos Flask nearly made me start crying today.

Probably none of this would be a problem, but I've gone into my holiday week really stressed, and my sodding birthday (with the exception of Saturday night), nearly pushed me over the edge. I've been very emotionally honest this week, which has been a lot for people to take, and a lot of people don't react well to someone who's down at a time like their birthday (although I get like this at Christmas too).

"Miserable" has become a bit of an insult, usually followed by "old git". But I don't make any apologies for not being happy at the minute. There's no way I could magically make myself happy right now, and sure as hell I'm not pretending.

Besides, it will come. A holiday will help. And so will a lie-in, a brisk walk, and a quiet night in with a PDA and a club hammer.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

I am OK. I am OK. I'm not OK.

I'm a bit tense at the moment.

Over the past day I've destroyed several bits of electronic equipment and done nothing but complain. I'm even pissed off because it's my birthday. Fact is, I've left it way too long to take a holiday, and I really really need one.

I had a nice night out last night with my mates, but this weekend I just wanted to crawl into a dark place and lie there. I didn't really feel like socialising at all. Once I got into it last night I was OK, and nights out with my friends are always great. It was today I was most worried about.

Fortunately, I got the day I wanted. May 2, 2004 is the biggest non-event of a birthday ever. The hangover didn't help, but I was just able to stay in the flat and do nothing.

I know I'm getting old. I care more about the fact that I'm on holiday than it being my birthday. But I need a holiday, and I certainly didn't need a birthday.

I'm not OK. But I will be.