Where there's a Willesden there's a way

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

Well, We're back! There's only a limited amount of time i can spend counting the cracks in my ceiling, particularly given that its a new building, so i'm taking a huge leap of faith and going back to work. I'm a bit worried still, as i'm quite easy to tire out, and my colleagues specialise in that at the best of times. I'm just glad to be outdoors- the last few days have been like the yellow wallpaper. Think I'll re-read that one soon.

Sunday, February 01, 2004

Whilst staring at the ceiling earlier i was thinking about radiohead, and their inlays. I spent a lot of time listening to bands with obscure lyrics, hoping that they might have learnt some higher truth that can't be directly conveyed in words, much like the zen stories and koans i enjoy. The difference being, at times of meditation, substance abuse or sunstroke, i sometimes think of a koan, and for a few moments, smile with comprehension. That's never happened to me with kid a.

...what is unusual is for the pensive drunk to get bored of me. I suppose i'm just not very good company at the minute.

..got back to the group, and hoped he'd go away. The sick whinger who came along in my place just got stuck. I couldn't get past the thought that i don't buy beef. I had a blank look, and my eyes began to close involuntarily. 'you buy land...', he repeated, but i could tell his heart wasn't in it. Soon afterwards he left, and found a far better listener. I suppose, having lived in willesden, There's nothing strange about picking up a drunk- all you need is half a second of accidental eye contact...

I had no idea i was about to be called on to share in a revelation. I just assumed his group was one chair short. Of course, i started to twig when, instead of picking up the seat and moving away without incident, he sat down next to me. I concentrated on keeping my balance. 'Son', he explained at once urgently and patiently 'you buy land, you get stones. You buy beef, you get bones.' the counsellor in me would have nodded and let him continue. The person out on a night out with his friends would have..

Very illustrative incident happened last night, as they tend to on a saturday night. A middle aged man in north london was struck, at midnight, by the kind of revelatory thought that only occurs to lonely drinkers close to midnight. It was the sort of thought that just has to be shared at all costs, with whoever is close at hand. Anyone will do. Of course, i was unaware of this as i sat tired and sober in the same north london pub, when this same man asked me if the seat next to me was taken...

It turns out i'm not very good at being ill. I'm clearly not up to doing anything, but i still opted for going to town last night. The plan was to get a lift from mr fusion there and back and be safely tucked up by 12, sheltered from the elements. Of course, i ended up going back via redhill. I'm taking that to be a lesson- stay at home and get better. Sadly, it means i'm back where i started this time yesterday- restless and violently claustrophobic.