Thank God it's them insteead of youu

I was stocking up on alcohol just now, on the basis that I'd probably need it by tomorrow, when the checkout guy said something that tapped into how I was feeling. He said, "Everyone who's come into day seems so miserable. I don't know why that is, it's Christmas Eve."

I explained everyone could really be happy on Christmas Eve. However, it's not really Christmas Eve, it's Fucking Christmas Eve.

Fucking Christmas is an exclusively late 20th/21st Century festival, confusingly held on the same day as Christmas. However, it's easy to tell the difference. Fucking Christmas has a three-month build-up. And Christmas makes people happier, whereas Fucking Christmas is specifically designed to make people miserable. Go to any town centre (as I'm about to) on Fucking Christmas Eve and you'll see what I mean. For sheer fruitless desperation and despair you can't beat it.

Whereas Christmas is all about peace & joy, Fuckring Christmas is about obligation. Its motto: Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without... Gifts? Therefore you must buy some. Cranberry sauce? Therefore you must buy some.

Just as the new religion of Christianity declared that Christmas would occur on December 25th, therefore replacing and subsuming the ancient pagan festival that occured on that day, the new religion of unrestrained consumerist frenzy declared its new feast of Fucking Christmas to occur on the same day. Christianity fed off and assimilated the traditions of the past, and tomorrow we celebrate the feast of our new gods and rulers through the symbols they now lay claim to and sell to us in shiny boxes.

There was a queue forming and the checkout guy was starting to get distressed, so I wished him Season's Greetings and left.

As with anyone who can't get carried away with this whole thing, I was starting to sound a bit bah humbug. And yet I may have just stumbled upon the secret of having a good time.

The first pagan who lit a fire in the dark night started this tradition and answered a basic need- to have some light and warmth in the dead of winter. And that's all I want, and a few days off. I see everyone weighed down by the obligations of a feast they're supposed to enjoy and realise we're going really badly wrong here. Acknowledging the true nature of Fucking Christmas frees us of all its obligations and leaves us free to just enjoy and spend a few days together. And as little money as possible. No matter who currently rules the world.

Which is why I can say this to all of you out there with honesty and love:

Merry Fucking Christmas, everybody.

Doafw