Brother's *still* ill!

I suggested if bored and ill, the thing to do is to take Sudafed. It simultaneously unblocks your sinuses and messes with your mind.

Back in the second year, Mr Fusion told me all about it. He had two Sudafed tablets before bed, and woke up in the middle of the night, thinking "Oh no, I've got Russian hands. Better go and wash them off." Which was what he was still doing hours later.

Obviously I didn't believe him, and as breathing was difficult and let's face it, I was bored, I took two pills. It should have been a clue that he let me keep the packet.

It should also have been a clue that all was not well, but it really seemed like my flatmate was trying to kill me. He was banging on the door and shouting out my name. I should really have got up to see what he wanted, but there was a big scary monster* on my chest, pinning me down. And besides, I wasn't in my room. I was on the floor of a bar.

Obviously none of this really happened, apart from the banging on the door bit. But I was convinced all of that was true.

*A spare duvet