Stop the world cup...i want to get off

The only upmarket bar in willesden is looking a little tense but oddly still for a friday night and i fight my way through a crowd of immobile and silent men to get to the bar. Less than 5 feet from the bar i hear three short blasts of a whistle. I try to retreat but it's too late- the statues have come to life. 12 hours later my ears still echo with the pre-verbal cries that seem to greet any significant events on the football field. And somehow there's the perfect impression of a gold watch on my left kidney. I really hate football.

Its been said that everyone gets behind the england team at world cup time. What this actually means is that a lot of people, frequently women and politicians, pretend to be interested for a three week period for fear of breaking the national conceit that 11 overpaid and frequently unpleasant men kicking a football actually matters. And that shouting 'oo' or 'kick it' at a pre-recorded highlights package might influence the results. As might flying an acrylic england flag from your car. Especially when its made it china.

And thanks to the government's desire to keep alcohol-fuelled violence away from the international media by taking away their passports, hooliganism will be coming to a town centre near you tonight.

Still, maybe this will be england's year. Right...