Male bonding, Cricklewood Style

There's certain things I hate to see in the morning. And one of them's a mouse rooting through the breakfast cereals. And as of today, another thing's Coco Pops. That mouse has got to go.

I headed into B&Q this evening to buy something to fix the problem. Nothing too drastic, and I have nothing against the little guy except him leaving little poos around the kitchen. The lady on reception pointed me towards aisle 1, where I found B&Q's own brand KILLER range. The KILLER mousetrap looked like it would take my fingers off. And the KILLER bait looked just a little unfair. I stopped a member of staff.

"Excuse me mate, I'm looking for a mousetrap."

"D'yu want spring-loaded or poison? There's a good range."

I looked up at the various torture devices. Jerry, Danger Mouse and the advert for Stuart Little flashed into my head at once. Really all I wanted to do was trap it in a little box and take it out into Gladstone Park to start a new life. Maybe with a little suitcase.

"Well, I don't really want to kill it."

The staff member put down his two pots of paint to give me a contemptuous laugh.

"You don't wanna kill it?" This was a trade B&Q, and I wasn't feeling particularly tough at this point. I needed a change of tack and fast if I wasn't going to be laughed out of this store.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Women, y'know?".

"Ah." He gave me a sly grin. "We used to 'ave a range of cardboard traps but we don't sell that many. What you wanna do is head down to the pet shop in the High Road. About a fiver and reusable."

"Cheers mate." My tactic had paid off. And Mog really wouldn't appreciate this one.

He pointed towards the spring-loaded trap and tipped me a wink, the light glinting off the steel wire. "Or you could get 'er a bottle of champagne, couple of roses and get up early."