Four more wars

With the US election less than one week away and still too close to call, what changes can we expect in the event of a George Bush victory?

Blair to make speech defending fears about the global economy, deriding “economic girly men”. Vinnie Jones to replace Gordon Brown in shock reshuffle.

Congress to vote on new appropriations bill for rebuilding Iraq. Page outlawing the Democratic party and Michael Moore to be secretly inserted in dead of night.

With macho strutting increasingly replacing mainstream political debate, Michael Howard to be urged to announce that he has successively impregnated his secretary.

US Army to replace burgeoning casualty rate by extending recruitment operations in Washington, Detroit and Brixton.

Votes on both Capitol Hill and the Houses of Parliament on future wars to be replaced by handing victory to whichever side can shout “USA! USA!” the loudest.

Debates about morality of Iraqi war and increasing destruction of Iraq’s society to be compulsorily and inexplicably cut short by indignant shriek of “Hello? Have you forgotten 9-11?”

An act of Christian prayer to be made compulsory at start of school day as well as before commencing government business or saturation bombing of civilian areas.

Black Watch to be deployed to North Korea.