I want spirituality...and I want it NOW!

There's an atonal moaning coming from behind me in three directions, and a small child drinks one of those plastic tubes which can only be consumed loudly and slowly as i'm violently rocked from side to side. So far, my quest for advent spiritual renewal is off to a bad start.

The plan was fairly straightforward, after a tedious day spent cleaning the flat i'd go to the refreshingly unsanctimonious st james's in picadilly and get some much needed peace, sadly lacking in a town where chronic alcoholism and football seem omnipresent. It was never going to be that simple, but hopefully eschewing a seat next to birmingham's most irritating children for standing next to silverlink's smelliest (but mercifully peaceful) baby will help.

They say you get more assertive in counselling training. I'm looking for some peace, and i don't feel like being messed about.