Where there's a Willesden there's a way

Friday, September 03, 2004

Gates of hell

I've been trying very hard not to jump out of the window.

It's not that I'm depressed. I just feel like doing something really spontaneous and a bit dangerous. I only live on the first floor. Maybe it's just as well I don't have access to a vehicle at the minute.

It wasn't so much the failing the driving test. Although the huge credit card bill is starting to eat away at me. I'd rather stupidly scheduled the test for 9.37am. *Every* time I have an important morning appointment, this thought process goes ahead, and it tends to open the gates of hell. It's this:

"I need to make sure I've gone to bed by 12."

Consequently, I get anxious that I might just not get to sleep in time to have a decent night's sleep, therefore jinxing my chances of succeeding. And once I've thought that, I never get to sleep.

Sometimes it's frustration or 3am paranoia. This time it was one of those darkly introspective, annoying nights when I can't help but lie away and be, well, darkly introspective. Last night I also took loads of pictures of clocks.

Either way, I feel a little unsettled at the minute. And, to be honest, I'm wishing I'd never started this driving shit to begin with. I was hoping the days of accumulating intolerable and ultimately pointless debt were over.

Like I say, I think this test business unsettled me more than I was expecting. It's what Glinty calls a very mental health look.

Maybe I should smash some bottles instead.


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